The circle of life, my blisters, and the fact that we are just animals

Like most sports running is intertwined with your state of mind. If you are in a good mood your run will be one of enjoyment and ease. If you are unhappy, your run will become longer and fraught with errors or injury.

I have had my mum to stay with me for 5 nights, I would describe my runs during this period as frustrating, annoying, and fury inducing. This is not to say that I don't like my dear Mam, I love her with every fibre of my being, she gave me life, looked after me until I was able, and never judged me. She has just loved me unconditionally for 30 years. The other 3 years she wanted to kill me because I wouldn't sleep as a baby. My mother nearly threw me out of a bedroom window after 3 sleepless days and nights. Ask her, she'll admit it.

It is not my Mum that drives me mad, it is the fact that our roles have been reversed, time is playing its last cruel joke on us, turning the carer into the cared. We have swapped roles now mother and I, before she would tell me what to do, and how to do it, guiding me around and making sure I didn't fall flat on my face. Now I'm the one making sure she doesn't headbutt the floor. I find myself saying things to my mother that she used to say to me -

"No, No, come on, it's this way"
"Watch where you're going! You'll get run over!"
"Put it down! That's not yours"
"Right! time for bed for you then"

And I am furious that I have to look after her now, because it means that I must face up to the reality that one day, hopefully in 50 years from now, my Mam won't be here to look after me anymore. And the fury I feel when I have say these things to her just hides the indescribable sadness that engulfs me when I consider that fact. I cry about it sometimes, not in front of her, or anyone for that matter but I don't believe in holding emotion in anymore, why deny the inevitable? the inescapable? My parents won't be here one day and it sucks the life out of me.

I wasn't always this sad about my parents being dead though, at times in the 80's I recall shouting that I wished they WERE dead but I didn't mean it, I was a teenager, we all said things we never ever meant.

The relationship with the parents has three main periods -

Period 1
0 - 12
Your parents are super heroes who know everything, give you everything, protect you, make you laugh, teach you, shout at you. You fear them because they are the all knowing, the keepers of secrets, on first name terms with Santa AND the tooth fairy! They know the answer to every question you can think of, and still manage to make you feel like you are the most important person on the planet. They're indestructible and so very strong.

Period 2
13 - 24
This is the hardest period for all concerned, the period when you realize that your parents actually know very little about a lot of things, and that they actually hid, lied, and glossed over loads of things in life that you weren't expecting, like death, working for money, emotional heart ache, and life generally fucking you over once in a while. These caring idiots lied to you for years, telling you it was going to be OK, kissing it better, when in actual fact all that was going to happen was that life was going to get harder, and kissing it better would become really inappropriate and could get you arrested.

Period 3
25 - The rest of your life.
This is the period that is actually the most wonderful, when all the cats are out of the bags, when you can sit with your parents and talk about life without them having to lie to you anymore. Life shit? turns out that your Dad had a pretty tough time growing up too. Tough job? turns out your mum did that hardest job in the world in raising you, then went out and did a normal job on top. And then it slowly dawns on your stupid, selfish, arrogant, brain that your parents have lived a life very much like yours, they've felt what you've felt, seen what you've seen, and that they had to then protect you from all of it until you were old enough to cope! And it's this period when you love them so much more because they are you, and you are they.

And then they go and ruin it by getting old and forcing you start looking after them. The bastards!

I suspect Mum plays it up a bit, the selective hearing, the tiredness, the confusion at fancy kettles, and let's not even get started on the Internet.

My mum is the only person I know who owns Sky+ in her house, but doesn't know how to use it in mine! As if the location makes it impossible for her to understand.

I'd cry if I wasn't laughing.

I have left London to go for a run around Cardiff for a few days. This is a new run for me, new music, and new orthotics in my trainers. I am pronating heavily into my right foot, meaning that as I land I lean and push onto the inside left of my right foot. This causes annoyance for the first 5 miles, pain for the next 5 miles, then blood for any miles after, The orthotics should balance me out.

They don't. Half way round the outskirts of Cardiff Bay the pain is for more acute than running without them and I have to stop and take them out in Grangetown. I run the rest of the way back, and hit a good time, but the damage is done. I've got a hole in my foot.

I spend the rest of my time in Cardiff seeing a new born baby. This baby is 4 weeks old, and already has the makings of a beautiful human being, if you can get beyond the constant crying, shitting, crying, and sleeping that it does. Babies are to me the last great example of why we are simply animals. A baby comes along and everyone close to that baby wants to protect it, to care for it and keep it safe from harm. And this one is no exception. I held her in my arms and I was quietly confident that I would happily kill anyone or anything that came near it to cause her harm. The cat got a couple of nasty stares from me those few days let me tell you!

It is a primal feeling, it's not my baby, it's not even my blood but I felt a instinctive need to protect her and you see that a thousand times stronger in the parents. They've changed. They're still your friends but they don't care about you that much anymore, the only thing they care about is that little baby. It's amazing and beautiful. A simple joy to watch.

And it changes everything, the biggest game changer in life. Going to Cardiff would normally involve drinking beers all day, watching some sport, then drinking wine until the early hours whilst having loud, drunken, misunderstandings with all concerned. This time I was up at 8am, sitting around watching the baby, listening to the baby, holding the baby, playing with the baby, then a walk into town and back again, then putting the baby down, then going to bed. It was the best 3 days in Cardiff I've had in 4 years.

It takes 4 days for the foot to stop being a hole but it's sorted now. I'm now alternating between two sets of trainers. One pair a half size too small but don't hurt my problem foot, and the other pair that fit but make me pronate. Some thing's got to give, and it ain't going to be me.