First run back, and there's heartache in the air

It's a week since the marathon, and the whole week has felt lonely and troublesome. So many people are really pleased and proud of my run, but I just feel annoyed and unhappy.

I know that I need to get back to doing what I love, which is running. So I'm up at 8am, and out the door.

But there's something wrong, I feel out of step, and my body lacks the fluidity in motion that I used to be able to do, when running and I were in harmony together, moving forward and able to run as far as we wanted.

But 'running' is distant and evasive. I get to the park after a mile or so, and this is when I usually open up and find a rhythm to follow but I can't. My legs are already uncomfortable, and my breathing is way off. I look around and see running all around me and I get into a conversation with it,

"what's the problem?" I ask
"I don't think I can do this anymore with you, I don't think I can go back and try again. Not at the moment" running replies,
"but I love you so much, all I can think about is running and training, and going away for running weekends, where we run around the countryside together"
"I know, and I love you too, but I don't think we can get it back to how it was, when we were happy together. It's been so long since you were good at this and I'm not sure if we can get it back"
"But I just need a bit of time to get back in shape, you know that calf injury caused me a lot of problems but it's fixed now, come on! you and me, twice around the park, like the old days"

Running just looks at me, and looks away. I get to the corner of London Fields, where I'd normally head towards Victoria Park, my blisters are throbbing again and my calf is tightening,
"I'm sorry" says running,
"Look at you, your legs are tired, and you're still a little over optimum running weight, and I think your trainers are too small for you, because I can see the blisters from here. Frankly, you're running a little bit like Baby Harvey running towards a McDonalds, how can you go twice round the park?"
"Just give me a chance, I promise I'll get better, quicker!"
"but I've heard it all before Gareth, and I'm happy now, I just don't want to take the chance with you again"

I turn back into the park and start jogging around the outside. I feel lost but decide to get around the park twice then head for home. I see a guy running towards me, he looks lean and tall. He's running in one steady motion, barely coming off the ground. He's seems my dejected gait stumble towards him and he smiles at me, and it's a smile that says,

"I've been there my friend, running pushed me away once, you just need to give it time"

I get back to the corner of the park and stop. I reckon these trainers are too small for me, the blisters on the back heal are already hurting and I have barely run 3 miles. I walk the rest of the way and by the time I get home I feel slightly better. Running when running doesn't want you is going to be really hard. I just hope it comes back soon, otherwise Chicago's going to hurt like a mother fucker.

Someone's waiting for me when I get home and they ask how I got on,
"Not bad, the first one back is always tricky" I don't have the heart to tell her that it was miserable, that the one thing I love to do has rejected me.

I make some breakfast and clean the roof terrace, the sun shining and I've got pals coming round for Easter lunch. I drink my juice and listen to the sounds of the city.

I think I'll go for a run tomorrow.