Oh dear, this isn't going the way it was supposed to.

Thursday 15th of April

My first run back after a forced break, a 2 day break in fact, at a place called Salmon Dance near Holmwood, outside of London.

I was at the Grange as one of the final 10 people chosen to be the Trident perpetual festival goer. Basically I was trying to win the job (there can only be one as Highlander said) but didn't get it and I was gutted, I really thought I was close but it turns out that there was somebody much better qualified and perfect for the position so there we go.

I got back after drinking a fair bit over the 2 days and with a heavy heart, in a sort of a 'funk' if you will, and to be honest my head isn't where it needs to be when you've got to run for a long time in 2 weeks or so. I then left straight to Germany for work, which was fine but I was still a bit jaded so I thought a run would clear the mind and get rid of the funk. Didn't go down like that:

I went out for a 10 miler, but my mind was thinking a lot about death and the idea of consciousness. The reason for the death thought was because I'd flown back from Germany the day before and I think a lot about planes falling out of the sky when I fly because, basically, you're not walking away from dropping 28,000ft. The simple fact is that if the engines go you are done.

And what does that mean? you stop so therefore everything you know stops. Your life, your family, and your feelings and emotions all stop. It's over. And that's massive because you're basically the most important person in the world, if you die then your world stops. And when you realize that your body is nothing more than a machine made of bone and skin it's a huge thing to consider and get your head around. But then you have your mind or your consciousness, which allows you to consider these colossal questions and try to make sense of them. It's what sets us apart from the animals. Just about.

I'm atheist but I have the utmost respect for religion, as it gives people hope and faith that when life stops there's something else to do after. Even though there isn't, at least people can feel that faith will set them free and give everything meaning. It's bollocks though, and just a way to keep people inline and subordinate but if it makes people happy it's fine, even though almost all wars, violence, genocide, and hatred is universally done in the name of religion, it still brings peace to people in death so I guess it's not so bad eh? Even though the irony of that is a bit much sometimes.

So, still reading? Jesus! You can imagine how hard it was to run with this shit carrying on in my head!

So after a while I realized that I needed to up my pace as I'd actually stopped running and was on my hands and knees sobbing uncontrollably in the middle of the park.

Joke, but I did need to pick up the pace so I picked out a runner in the distance and decided to close him down and pass him. I picked up the pace and got into a rhythm and started closing him down. I sped up a little more, controlling my breathing to match my pace, and the guy was coming up pretty fast. I started to feel good and the competitive edge in me was hungry for the victory of passing him. As I closed in on him I felt vindicated and a sense of power washed over me, as I passed I glanced across to see if he'd acknowledge that he'd been passed at pace by another runner, I looked across..............................he was about 60 years old.

Unbelievable. It felt like I'd just been in a plane crash.